If you have been following my ‘Self Hate’ stories on Instagram and you would have definitely thought “Why is she making such a big deal about getting bangs” (hair bangs I mean, rest-up your dirty mind kids).

Also, a big shout out to everyone who spent time sending me references to help me make a decision. But to be honest, it wasn’t just about getting a new hair cut or just a new look, it was about wanting a change to the body I had started hating and unknowingly started striving for acceptance.

Self Hate Struggle

Topping the list was the physical appearance of my body that I started hating. Every day I woke up wanting to go on a diet and work out post work and I failed by the end of the day. I have changed 3 diet plans last month and failed every time. And living in a body with horrible metabolism is another add on. I have never been made fun of my weight, I have been blessed with good vibes around, so it wasn’t peer pressure. It was me, I was unhappy with the way I looked, my face, my body, my everything. It bothers me when I want to control and not have that ice cream or when I shouldn’t have another slice of pizza but I still do. It bothers me when I spend so much time on skincare and I still have under eye dark cycles like that of a panda, and my forehead is wrinkling and no these are not petty issues. I stopped feeling beautiful, stopped liking what I saw in the mirror and that is not a good feeling to wake up to. It is difficult and it bothers me and many others out there.

But again, this was not just about the weight, it was also about moving out of a country I had spent my entire life in (27 years, 2 months and 30 days to be precise). I knew I had to move, I didn’t know when and then suddenly it felt like I was in a teddy claw machine game where someone suddenly picked me with that claw from a place I was comfortable in, a place where people knew me, where I knew the nook and corners, the vegetable vendor to the managers of multinationals were friends or acquaintances and dropped me down in this snow-laden land with unknown species of human beings, starting a career from scratch, no family to go back home to and questioning what do I exactly want to do with life and in this country.

Everyone constantly keeps questioning how it is going, do I miss India, how cold is it. No, I do not miss India, but I do miss the comfort zone I was in. I do not miss home because I was prepared to leave, but I do miss people around. I do not miss the warm weather, I have accepted the cold here, but it’s scary and lonely and exhausting when in the entire country you know exactly 6 people including your spouse! I am aware it takes time to settle in, to get used to it but imagine waking up one day and the only familiar people you have are 2 friends in the neighbourhood building and a cousin who stays an hour away, and NO ONE ELSE in the entire country.

All of us have gone through that phase of hating ourselves, whatever the reason be. For me, it was a bunch of things! And this is not a cry out, this ain’t a rant, but just a source for letting out the feelings from deep inside out to the world so if you are going through something similar, you are not alone and I do not want you to give up. We will all wake up tomorrow and we will strive again and fail again and strive back again. And we keep doing this till we reach our goals and we do this together, supporting each other around us. It’s the day of love, it’s valentines. Love yourself first. I have been failing in doing that for a few months now, but I will keep working towards it.

And next time, when you want to ask how I was settling in, or how the cold is, or if I miss India, do me a favour, just ask “How are you, are you okay?” And if you are still reading this, if you know me or not, send me a message right now, let’s talk!

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self-hate

Must read, Weight Loss – A Quick Real Life Tour! 

Until next time,
much love.
Fighting self-hate - Vishakha Sodha